Beloved

Beloved
He called me
All I wanted was to be loved
Be loved
Beloved
He loved me deeply
Freely
Fully
Unconditionally
He was a man
But I could not be what he needed though he believed in me
Said not to let fear of the unknown hinder me
Don’t close off to healing myself
Beloved
He showed me what it was like to Be loved
I wasn’t perfect
Constantly reminding him of my flaws
When all he reflected to me was beauty
We were an extraordinary couple
Too bad I was too caught up in what I was not to realize what we were
He called me beloved and I never understood it
Never really felt it
Before I left he told me to be love
I could be loved
I could accept love if I was love
If I let love in
If I found it in myself I could give love
He said he loved me
He said be love
You will be loved
Beloved

Copyright© 2013 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

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Undone

I can’t love you
I can’t love you because I hate who I have become
I love you
Means nothing when I’m here crying and you are here to comfort me
Hugging me with your words and actions
Accepting me as I am
While I’m blinded with lies and insecurity
That convince me you’re laughing within, calling me a weakling
You love me but I can’t feel it because pain makes me numb
And since I can’t see, i can’t perceive
I don’t see that he only loves me when he needs me
I burn, so I burn the world around me and I set myself ablaze
Yes I am numb
Numb to the pain
No I’m not dumb
I’m not dumb
Just hurt
Disrespect disrespect disrespect curved by a kiss the next day
Good sex the next week
Yes he loves me
Yes we’re happy
Happily dysfunctional as I breathe again to trick my mind to thinking its cleared
I forget that I burn
Until you come along because you’re happy.
You must be hiding something..
.. and with all the wrong he does, you must have done something wrong too, because I don’t hurt because of him.
It’s you
It’s you I hate because you remind me that I keep making the same mistake
I am not a victim
I am not crazy
I’m just hurt
In love
In pain
I burn
And my fire is lost so I am just an ember
I can’t love you
because until I burn out I’ll try to deny that it’s him
and that my fear is the reason that I HATE who I’ve become
I used to love you
But now I see you and
it’s all undone

Copyright© 2013 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

Hoping That Someone Will See Me

inspired by a bus ride
watching some people stare at a man but say nothing
this piece is in the perspective of the man experiencing it

Hoping that someone will see me

Dressed in hot pink

Neon green

Purple and yellow

Hoping that someone will see me

Eyes shift

Heads turn

Eyes roll

Nose turns

Up

As I walk by

No words come from my mouth

Teeth sucked

As I sit down

Zebra print scarf

Hair comb clip from the eighties

Jean jacket

No words

Just looks

Just loud offended faces

Hoping someone will open their eyes instead of closing them

Head shaking

Put on everything in my drawers

Just hoping that someone would see me

Stares

Glares and whispers

Nothing new to me

Clip in hair designed for Barbie

fit so perfectly on me

“Crazy” is my name

Or at least that’s what they call me

Or maybe it’s “eww”

I seem to have forgotten

Maybe it’s “what the hell?”

Who gives a damn

I express myself the only way I know how

Words exchanged

Handed out freely

“Hi how ya doin?”

No one asks me

No smiles

Just dirty looks

Distance as they scoot further away

They think they can treat me any kind of way

Longing to just talk

Just feel again

I walk over next to them

Shocked

Nothing to say, I guess

Nothing new

Just about to speak

But someone looks at them

they feel ashamed.

So, sorry no greeting today

I wish they would learn not to color

Their glasses in with lies and judgement before they open their eyes

I wish they wouldn’t banish me from society before they see

So I proceed along

Best person they’d meet

Happy

Clean

Nice

Friendly

Long story

Yesterday on repeat

Day after day

Looking for someone

Different

Hoping that someone will see me

Copyright© 2013 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

Engaging

On engaging
This is a short writing on a few thoughts that I had on engaging with other people. I just wanted to share them on my blog this month. Get people kinda ready for the ongoings of next month haha
maybe avoid some drama or just to keep in the back of your mind

*When trying to interact with someone…

When you are talking to someone you aren’t interested in talking to..
-try talking about something different that you haven’t really spoken of before
-try talking to them about something they like
-watch their responses to what you do and say and then pace your conversation/ interaction accordingly. Find out what makes them excited. Ask about whatever they express love towards what they respond to strongly, or bring up something new that you’ve never talked about
-Talk about something you like because sometimes people just like to listen, maybe take their focus off of their own lives

To truly engage, you have to learn how to listen actively.
This means no prequalifying, no judging, no assuming

Want to engage yourself in your tasks? For school?
Try listening to something you like while you do your work

Do your work and take planned breaks in between to work on something else
-Another way is to make a goal
For example, if the task is reading, dedicate yourself to reading up to a certain point each time
ex: reading in intervals of ten or so
or if it’s online try reading only what’s on the screen without paying attention to anything else until you finish that page

-Write something related to what you read that you thought was interesting or about a similar situation that connects to your life in the reading
-take notes on your reading

You can learn a lot through actively listening, reading/ engaging

Just wanted to share a couple things. Please share your feedback and/or experiences. Especially if you try some of these things.
I have more detailed writings in my upcoming chapbook so stay tuned!
Peace, Love, Possibility
Narelle~Ankh Khepera

Did you ever

You ever feel?
You ever just sit there and feel your feelings?
Well I’m not the most emotional or the most deep
but I feel that I’ve become a lot more feeling
When I learned to accept the way that I am and noticed how many people are so uncomfortable being themselves
After I noticed how so many people learn after a certain point it is okay not to feel anymore
I felt even more compelled to share the way that I feel and spread the importance of really living
Trying
Caring enough to communicate clearly with the ones you care about because you know that it would hurt more to only know how someone really feels when they’re mad at you
I mean what if you blew up in an argument with someone and finally found out the truth and it scalded you
You go to work come back and realized that that was the last time you would see them or the last time they see you
How would you feel if you never let them know the truth unless it was thrown at the target person
Meant to burn char and cause their skin to peel
Communication should not begin or end in a stressful place
It should begin between sips of tea in the morning
A smile in the noon
A hug and kiss before bed
Many don’t get to talk anymore
Appreciate each others company
People are too frustrated to smile
To closed off or closed minded to connect
And even more feel too alone
Too scared
Too stubborn
Judgmental of themselves
Too scared to be vulnerable to feeling
To accept the truth as it is
Too afraid
Too hesitant
to talk about the reasons why

Copyright© 2012 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

A walk back

 

Sometimes a walk seems long but only because you are awaiting the moment you’ll make it to your destination

On the way back you are following tracks you’ve made

Or retouching familiar lands

But even if the walk is harder,

The road is rocky,

all the tracks are gone,

or you think you’ve fallen off course

keep walking

Make the way to where you need to be

as Malcolm x said “by any means necessary”

Make it,

By all means

I was taking a walk home in the 90 degree weather.
Before I left home I was reminded that it was really hot out but for some reason it still didn’t feel too hot to me. I can tolerate high temperatures pretty well because they just don’t bother me too much. People had been complaining about the weather all week, how hot and oppressive it’s been. I understand that the summer isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but this also made me think of
how some people live in places with consistently scorching hot weather.
People complain for such small mediocre things. People like to talk about how bad things are but if you just are there and take the time to just accept things as they are, most of the time, you’ll notice they aren’t half as bad as you might hear, or make them out to be.

During my walk I put that out of my mind and just started to laugh at how silly things can be and began to really enjoy being in that moment, during sunset. Putting the thought that it might storm outside of my head… I said whatever happens is meant to be. I’m prepared. Luckily I would be able to get a ride home if need be since I only lived 15mins away from where I was going lol…but anyway,

The walk seemed kind of long at first because I was thinking about how it’s a half hour walk (to and from) and how I had so many other things to do after I get back from my mini errand. I realized it was the only choice that made sense and so I decided to refocus my attention and just walk.

Mostly I thought of my life during the walk. I was thinking of my goals.

I remembered that life happens when it’s supposed to, as it’s said “everything is for a reason”.  There are no accidents. There is no mistake.

I accept what I cannot change. I will to change what I am able to change and what needs to be changed. I am grateful for all that I have because some don’t have much in spirit, in mind or in some of the resources that I do. Someone would be glad to be in your shoes so don’t be so quick to throw them away; Like all shoes they have a type. All shoes need to be broken into. You won’t necessarily be comfortable as soon as you take the first few steps but you will gain comfort along the way. As you continue to walk along, you will feel more stable

I thought about the condition of black people and how we have endured so much and to me are making a journey back into ourselves. A collective consciousness.

Coming back into a stronger knowledge of self and picking up pieces of what our ancestors left for us and using them to build well in the present.

This is what I was thinking as the words of the above poem came to me. I didn’t think of writing it that way but when I typed the words up, they began to take shape that way and reminded me of these things too.

There are many meanings in that poem. I can’t possibly go through all it means to me because there are so many things that come to me in that piece. It can only mean what you perceive in it and receive from it.

I was reminded that we all go through things but we must never let the things take control of our outcome. We must persist to keep a steady pace, continue to do the best that we know how to, and make it. Strong.

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