Be the miracle you wish to receive

 

Since I haven’t been sharing poetry lately, I just wanted to post something that caught my attention this evening here and on soundcloud. Enjoy.

Be the miracle you wish to receive

When the only thing left are only words that have been said before
Shattered feelings
Colors that run bleed and linger
What kind of person will I be
I guess I know why Frida painted
Sometimes only the lines colors and strokes understand
Sometimes there are no more words and you don’t wish to speak
Because words are too heavy
Too weighty
Not redeeming enough
The only thing forgiving enough is the tightly stretched canvas that gives
I’ve been here before on this floor
But I’ve never fallen this hard
The only thing that lifts me is the pen or brush
sometimes you are on the bus ride home from work thinking what type of existence is this?
To use me for such beauty then wring me so dry
At first with no tears left to cry just dull pain
I thought I could move on
I had it together didn’t I
Hell no
Damn
I didn’t
but now I am here just trying to become a better woman
Trying to move on
Become my own miracle
Was that realization supposed to make it easier?
When the only things left are words that have been said before
Shattered feelings
Colors that run bleed and linger
What kind of person will I be
I guess I know why Frida painted
Sometimes only the lines colors and strokes understand
Shattered feelings
Colors that run bleed and linger
What kind of person will I be
Something in the back of my mind says a miracle
To be the miracle I think I need
To be the miracle I wish to receive

 

Copyright© 2018 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

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We live! Claim your voice

blog quote 3

 

I will not apologize for being who I am in words, action or thought. I will not shrink, diminish, or minimize myself to make anyone comfortable & I will not adapt to foolishness as not to rustle feathers. It is not to say that I have not accommodated in the past or brushed off others crap; it is to say that the more that you do that, the easier it becomes to do.

When I thought of writing this blog, I was reminded of a situation a couple of weeks ago where someone tried to diminish my expression and defer my sense of being able to handle a situation. They were trying to rewrite my words upon me speaking them, because I don’t always communicate in a linear way. This person did not take time to adjust, see, or be present to what I was doing, but instead side coached my whole process. This was appropriate because I sound young, am a black woman, and also can stand the ability to not have a stick up my rump all the time, so I must just be chatting, must be off topic, lacking the ability to be deliberate, or connect with others, and follow rules at the same time. Right?

I recognized the undertone of a need to control what I was doing rather than be present to it and re-route later or them allowing themselves to trust my particular process, since everyone is their own person. (A bit of background: I was being coached on a specific technique and method of doing something, but I had not veered off course yet enough to be interrupted the disproportionate amount of times that I was). I am not writing this because I can’t take criticism, am being overly sensitive, or desiring to complain. My intention is to share that you do not have to let anyone make you feel inferior because they don’t understand you, don’t work the same, are trying to control you, or have insecurities.

When people are used to certain ways of expression and they think that everyone should conform to those ways, it’s disheartening because then you realize that there is such a desire within some people to control and curate others (especially women & people of color’s processes because they are not presented or expressed within a certain expected narrative, are not necessarily robotic, verbally edited to be syrupy sweet, chipper, surface, redirecting, curled at the ends, removed, or presented in a covering state that some Americans have grown to be used to expecting for others to carry as a one size fits all way to express themselves and means of accepting others.

I did not say that the instruction was helpful or nice because it wasn’t. I am not sure of the way that I put my words together anymore, but I made sure that they were not apologetic or acceptance seeking, because I knew that I was being mistreated and that the person needed to know that I knew it was not fair or amusing.

If this takes me out of certain places, those places were not for me. If it removes me from people, those were not my people. Meanwhile, the plan is that I’m going to womanifest the $#^t out of this abundant life that I’ve been given. If we live a life of plenty, we must stop believing in and exuding lack. With the lemons, make herbal tea, lemonade, lemon cake, lemon water, juice them, use them for a still life, give one away, hold one in gratitude, rub it on your skin for toner, make fire cider, liver tonic, flavor your food, or whatever you need to do, do that!

Life is too vast, rich, and precious to wallow in dissatisfaction and a downplayed self worth, lack of self respect, or a shaky self love. Breathe and walk in your purpose with all the beauty and love that you are. Some people expect you to cower in the face and expression of their fear. Show them that you are born of the most. Show yourself and them that you are encompassing, cohesive, non random, unimaginable energy just as their ego was, and that what you exude is stronger than ego because it’s rooted in innerstanding, purpose and self love.

 

An affirmation to move forward:

  • I have released anything that has served its purpose, and I blossom in the deliberate strength and purpose of my existence. I am divinely protected and attracting the bounty of life!

 

A poem Inspired by the incident:

Just because your eardrums have issues holding space for the tones vibrancy and resonant frequencies uttered through my vocal cords to translate and harmonize spirit doesn’t mean that I will allow my voice to crack break and exude a pitch that you find more pleasant.

My people are not just of the valley 

We have been here since before this realm was released

If you need to close your eyes as I walk by, do what you need to do as you await that I scurry by 

Realize I tend to move in ways akin to the dance of a baby enjoying the freedom of the womb 

I am here to disappoint your expectations and appoint myself to my highest position in frequency and physical ability 

Nurtured in sacred space

My movements are a dance to the hums of black existence 

What you may not be able to see through, is sharp, full, all encompassing..

We live this music

You close your eyes and hear it

Block your ears and see it

Can’t escape it so you wish to change it, but we flow with the change and easily adapt to furthering life

When you can’t see, all of the other senses step in to function more keenly.

We all have night vision.

That’s inner vision

Though some are afraid of the dark

You label us the minority

Though in actuality that’s primarily only a hope for you or even just a wish.

When you look at reality, oh my how the picture is vividly flipped

You are the minority among brown and Black faces indigenous 

We give you back your gods 

So that we may properly reflect and recreate our image 

We dissolve mourning our lives in your hands and have no desire to beg at your mercy

We have always created

Recreated

Remixed

Procreated

Covered

Uncovered 

Protected 

Nurtured

Somehow focus gets redirected from staring at screens and embracing dreams deferred

Redirecting

We celebrate the highs and lows of our lives breath voices skin tones and pieces of our glory in daily life stories because this is what makes us human and visible

Creates our identities 

We will not cower and mourn in the darkness because we are full enough to do so in the light

We work to re-image our brokenness to visions and plans of building instead.

Home

Who are we to be fragmented compartmentalized beings? We are the world

Since the beginning and through the endings as the sun rolls across the sky each day

To reveal a different aspect of life 

Of creation

We create

How dare we believe we must sacrifice ourselves to live

as we were born creations as gifts.

We give a home to life 

And live

We live.

Home

 

blog picture 4blog image 5

Copyright© 2018 Narelle Thomas

All rights reserved.

 

 

Reflections of the 20th year, Becoming..21

A poem in gratitude of my 20 yrs

I wrote this a couple weeks before my 21st birthday/solar return/earthstrong/new year

I just wanted to share this piece, in reflection and in thanks for life

I meant to post this yesterday

thought to share it anyhow, despite the lateness

 

Thank you for who I am

Thank you for who I have become

Thank you for everything I have gone through in life

The good and the bad

Or the things that seemed to be of either

Because every piece of those circumstances has brought me new or highlighted wisdom

To help me go through what I am today

With a victorious mind and spirit

In  the receptivity of my mind and acceptance in my heart makes things matter of fact

Thank you for the parents I have

The families I come from for sharing their talents with me

Thank you for everything they’ve done and are still doing for me

Thank you for what they have taught me knowingly and unknowingly

Even if we have problems we are still connected and are reinforcement

We can make it together as long as we love ourselves

Thank you for those who treat me like family in the knowledge of our oneness as transcendental temporary earth beings

Thank you for allowing such genuine people into my life

Thank you for my king

Thank you for us being able to live harmoniously and complimentary

Thank you

For the affirmation

Thank you for the truth because without it I would have been on a path that is not my own

Trying to give fully what I only had on loan

Lost

Not able to find home because I had equated loneliness with being alone

Deficient because I made it so

Because when you worry it will only come back 100 fold

Universal law says

Whoever has gratitude will be given more;  and he or she will have an abundance

Whoever does not have gratitude even what he  or she has will be taken from him or her

Thank you for the visionary in me

To be able to see that trying to create a picture in someone’s eyes that isn’t a reflection of reality is wrong and will only come back to bite me

See you can’t try to convince someone that things are one way when they really are another and not think that everything will hide once the light of truth shines

The truth does not discriminate

It only illuminates what life can be once you accept things as they presently are

If you build from a fake portrait of reality, you wonder why later you get played like a dummy

Fakeness only fits more fakeness

Like blocks of a tower you have to build what you want to have the greater power

If you build with hate anger embarrassment or fear you will take away from the good at present

and will end up hurt even more

Just be firm in the truth

Don’t be scared of what others will think of you

Because  sooner rather than later, they will find out anyway

Remember truth does not discriminate

Build on self-respect

Stand in your truth

Others will respect you for it

Know that what keeps you up is worthy of reinforcement

If you build your life to look a certain way, it will all crumble

if you choose to build with what’s fake, you will see that you were the only one fooled in thinking you were building to begin with

Be accepting or let it go

Thank you for helping me to see that I don’t know everything

However, it is quite contrary

I have a lot to learn and am eager

I’m excited

Thank you for this 21st year in counting

Thank you for all that I have learned

Help me to be able to teach what I receive and learn more as I am blossoming

Becoming, growing, and thriving

Thank you for helping me to see myself as I am and who I choose to become

I can only work with what is naturally inside of me

I am just a chemist in this field of biology

In reflection I have found, there is a serious problem if people can’t look in the mirror and say I am beautiful

I am happy

I am victorious

I am thriving

I am becoming the best I can be

Mean every word and not be considered arrogant, conceited, or boastful

Without someone telling us first or us asking permission to say so, apologizing, or being ashamed for being so bold

Let me be a living testament to break the walls of insecurity and share that you are not wrong for loving yourself

And being comfortable in who you are and in line with yourself

We are here to pave the way for others

We are here to fulfill our destinies

Become the highest wo/manifestations of our vibrancy

We are supposed to be the best of ourselves for the betterment of humanity

Stand for truth, not shy away

We are supposed to live this life in love.. every second, minute, and hour of every day

and know that the step you take now is just the first of a beautiful journey

Give thanks

Everything is all right all the time

It’s part of the divine plan..no matter how difficult

We are learning what we need to know to make us stronger

I’ve learned that I am a diamond

I’ve had to go through pressure to become one

I am a pearl

I had to be a grain of sand

Many grains of sand

I am a butterfly

I had to be a caterpillar for a long time

I had to be in a cocoon

A chrysalis

I had to go through many states

I am always transforming

Narelle Ankh Khepera

This is a journey of life

In life, I am

becoming

Thank you

Copyright© 2014 Narelle Thomas

All rights reserved.

Beloved

Beloved
He called me
All I wanted was to be loved
Be loved
Beloved
He loved me deeply
Freely
Fully
Unconditionally
He was a man
But I could not be what he needed though he believed in me
Said not to let fear of the unknown hinder me
Don’t close off to healing myself
Beloved
He showed me what it was like to Be loved
I wasn’t perfect
Constantly reminding him of my flaws
When all he reflected to me was beauty
We were an extraordinary couple
Too bad I was too caught up in what I was not to realize what we were
He called me beloved and I never understood it
Never really felt it
Before I left he told me to be love
I could be loved
I could accept love if I was love
If I let love in
If I found it in myself I could give love
He said he loved me
He said be love
You will be loved
Beloved

Copyright© 2013 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

Undone

I can’t love you
I can’t love you because I hate who I have become
I love you
Means nothing when I’m here crying and you are here to comfort me
Hugging me with your words and actions
Accepting me as I am
While I’m blinded with lies and insecurity
That convince me you’re laughing within, calling me a weakling
You love me but I can’t feel it because pain makes me numb
And since I can’t see, i can’t perceive
I don’t see that he only loves me when he needs me
I burn, so I burn the world around me and I set myself ablaze
Yes I am numb
Numb to the pain
No I’m not dumb
I’m not dumb
Just hurt
Disrespect disrespect disrespect curved by a kiss the next day
Good sex the next week
Yes he loves me
Yes we’re happy
Happily dysfunctional as I breathe again to trick my mind to thinking its cleared
I forget that I burn
Until you come along because you’re happy.
You must be hiding something..
.. and with all the wrong he does, you must have done something wrong too, because I don’t hurt because of him.
It’s you
It’s you I hate because you remind me that I keep making the same mistake
I am not a victim
I am not crazy
I’m just hurt
In love
In pain
I burn
And my fire is lost so I am just an ember
I can’t love you
because until I burn out I’ll try to deny that it’s him
and that my fear is the reason that I HATE who I’ve become
I used to love you
But now I see you and
it’s all undone

Copyright© 2013 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

Hoping That Someone Will See Me

inspired by a bus ride
watching some people stare at a man but say nothing
this piece is in the perspective of the man experiencing it

Hoping that someone will see me

Dressed in hot pink

Neon green

Purple and yellow

Hoping that someone will see me

Eyes shift

Heads turn

Eyes roll

Nose turns

Up

As I walk by

No words come from my mouth

Teeth sucked

As I sit down

Zebra print scarf

Hair comb clip from the eighties

Jean jacket

No words

Just looks

Just loud offended faces

Hoping someone will open their eyes instead of closing them

Head shaking

Put on everything in my drawers

Just hoping that someone would see me

Stares

Glares and whispers

Nothing new to me

Clip in hair designed for Barbie

fit so perfectly on me

“Crazy” is my name

Or at least that’s what they call me

Or maybe it’s “eww”

I seem to have forgotten

Maybe it’s “what the hell?”

Who gives a damn

I express myself the only way I know how

Words exchanged

Handed out freely

“Hi how ya doin?”

No one asks me

No smiles

Just dirty looks

Distance as they scoot further away

They think they can treat me any kind of way

Longing to just talk

Just feel again

I walk over next to them

Shocked

Nothing to say, I guess

Nothing new

Just about to speak

But someone looks at them

they feel ashamed.

So, sorry no greeting today

I wish they would learn not to color

Their glasses in with lies and judgement before they open their eyes

I wish they wouldn’t banish me from society before they see

So I proceed along

Best person they’d meet

Happy

Clean

Nice

Friendly

Long story

Yesterday on repeat

Day after day

Looking for someone

Different

Hoping that someone will see me

Copyright© 2013 Narelle Thomas
All rights reserved.

Engaging

On engaging
This is a short writing on a few thoughts that I had on engaging with other people. I just wanted to share them on my blog this month. Get people kinda ready for the ongoings of next month haha
maybe avoid some drama or just to keep in the back of your mind

*When trying to interact with someone…

When you are talking to someone you aren’t interested in talking to..
-try talking about something different that you haven’t really spoken of before
-try talking to them about something they like
-watch their responses to what you do and say and then pace your conversation/ interaction accordingly. Find out what makes them excited. Ask about whatever they express love towards what they respond to strongly, or bring up something new that you’ve never talked about
-Talk about something you like because sometimes people just like to listen, maybe take their focus off of their own lives

To truly engage, you have to learn how to listen actively.
This means no prequalifying, no judging, no assuming

Want to engage yourself in your tasks? For school?
Try listening to something you like while you do your work

Do your work and take planned breaks in between to work on something else
-Another way is to make a goal
For example, if the task is reading, dedicate yourself to reading up to a certain point each time
ex: reading in intervals of ten or so
or if it’s online try reading only what’s on the screen without paying attention to anything else until you finish that page

-Write something related to what you read that you thought was interesting or about a similar situation that connects to your life in the reading
-take notes on your reading

You can learn a lot through actively listening, reading/ engaging

Just wanted to share a couple things. Please share your feedback and/or experiences. Especially if you try some of these things.
I have more detailed writings in my upcoming chapbook so stay tuned!
Peace, Love, Possibility
Narelle~Ankh Khepera

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